I Am Asexual. I'm Afraid of Sex. I'm not Ashamed To Admit That.
You can be asexual without being sex-repulsed, but there are many asexual people like me who are sex-repulsed also. Don't forget about us!
Content Warning: This article does include mentions of sexual themes, particularly sexual assault and rape. Reader Discretion advised.
Despite incessant pressure from family and society to date, I’ve never been on a date or been in a relationship. Even before knowing I’m asexual and aromantic, I didn’t wish to date. That is for a host of reasons, such as not wanting to date at all and being aromantic and having no interest in romance.
However, there is another reason why I don’t ever wish to date.
That reason? I don’t want to have sex.
Actually, it’s better said that I’m afraid of sex and afraid that by dating, I’ll be forced into having sex.
Let me explain.
For some years now, I have been having the same nightmare play in my mind, and each and every time I dream it, I wake up feeling like I’m having a panic attack. In this nightmare, I find myself pitted against this malevolent phantasm trying to have sex with me, and I’m begging for someone to save me. In this nightmare, I find myself trapped in an inescapable situation, imprisoned yet pleading for rescue. I in the end find myself being overpowered by this aggressive creature and forced to have sex, suffering rape. Even as I try to fight back and will my way out to freedom, I find myself overpowered and unable to escape the clutches of this monstrous figure. It is my greatest nightmare.
To present an illustration of this nightmare, it would go something like this commercial I saw when I was a teenager.
It seems that for so many sex is their greatest fantasy. For me, sex is my greatest nightmare.
That admission is so difficult for me as a cisgender guy, seeing as men are always painted as raging horndogs who would never turn down a sexual opportunity. So many don’t even believe a woman can ever rape a man, and here I am saying that I don’t want sex ever. Talk about being a contrast to culture!
For the longest time, I have been afraid of sex. The thought of ever doing it makes me shaky and nauseous. It leaves me frazzled and rattled with tremors. Sex has always made me so uncomfortable and terrified.
I have general anxiety when it comes to sex. Sexual situations make me so nerve-wracked. It’s why I don’t feel comfortable being around other people and have never really felt at ease being around others.
No, it isn't because I was sexually abused. Let me preface it with that statement.
My fear of sex just deals with everything about sex and with who I am as a sex-repulsed asexual.
I remember the days whenever I was in high school, and everyone was overall talking about how it was all so important to find a date for prom or to find a girlfriend because everyone's apparently hooking up. That wasn't what I was after in my real world. Matter of fact, sex was the last thing I ever wanted.
However, people always painted the picture that I had to have sex, regardless of my feelings on the matter. This is why I don’t ever wish to date and why I’m scared of ever getting involved with allos. I’m worried they’ll try to coax their way into my pants, and I’ll have to fight and deny their goading and propositions.
I also worry that by my doing so, I’d be my own worst enemy, sabotaging any chances at a relationship to where no one would ever want to be with me.
A great fear of mine is ending up like Eleanor Rigby, where no one even came to see her at her funeral. However, knowing the the world doesn’t believe that love can exist without sex, I know that it’s a possibility for me.
Through inundation from family, culture, television, music, and pretty much all of society, I know dating carries an expectation of sex at some point in the relationship—whether at marriage or on the third date. I just know that. That thought has always made me reticent and reluctant to ever get involved with anyone in any capacity. I’m worried that at some point they’ll start feeling randy, at which point I’d be in a dilemma and catch-22.
In this scenario, I only have two options:
“Bite the bullet”, “grin and bear it”, “close my eyes & think of England!”
Deny and reject their advances, causing great strife and conflict in the relationship.
Knowing how this world is super-sexual, I know that no one will stay with someone if I choose option two. It is as if it’s a sin to not “put out” for so many.
Therefore, I am really only presented one option, which is to close my eyes and think of England.
The stress from even imagining that is enough reason for me not to date. It makes me terrified beyond belief, ready to have another panic attack.
Peer pressure and society would overall try to persuade me to date. I constantly had friends, family, and classmates, constantly breathing down my neck, telling me that I have to date, as if I had no say in the matter.
I remember the stunned looks overall by my parents and friends whenever I decided to not go to prom because I didn't feel like paying for a tuxedo and everything.
My parents were all like "But you can't miss your prom! It's a once-in-a-lifetime event!" I just told them like I didn't want to go in the first place, so why should I?
I saved a good $500 that day!
My parents have always insisted that I need to get out more and find some people to be around. My mom always worries that one day I'll be all alone and be so lonely with absolutely nobody else to love.
However, I've never really been the social type overall. I've never really like going out much, not simply just because I'm an introvert, but also because I know what people want to do whenever people like to go out.
See, I'm from a small town in the Bible Belt, where the only things people find fun to do are the things I'm never really into. My city is in a sense a dry area of town, and it overall just means people like to either get drunk, have sex, and do drugs. I don't drink. I am not a drinker. It’s just not my thing.
So, with those choices being overall the only means to obtain companionship, I’ve just grown accustomed to being my own company and do my own thing. I just have always found it easier to be alone. It’s less pressure on me.
If it were possible to have an asexual relationship, then perhaps I would be open to considering it. However, I just know that the possibility that a person I would meet would be comfortable with a no-sex-in-the-city is darn near impossible. I just know that most people won't be up for that, and I'm not down for sex, so we are diametrically opposed. Thus, I don't date.
On the positive side, I've avoided all Never Have I Ever games! I am so glad for that!
That’s a victory in my book, less pressure on my shoulders.
Besides the fact that I really like being single honestly, not dating has its benefits, like not having to be placed in catch-22s and avoiding being pressured into sex. I know that with us asexuals consisting of only 1% of the population, that if somebody was to supposedly want to date me, I know overall that they are looking to have sex as the end result. I'm sorry, but their end result is antithetical to what I am overall after.
Now, one could supposedly say "Well, relationships are about compromise, right? You could just find someone who doesn't need sex a whole lot and then maybe have sex intermittently, right!"
Yeah, here's the thing: I don't want to have to compromise, not at all! At least, I don't want to have to compromise with sex. I'm simply not a person who's meant to have sex. I can't do that. I simply can't. My body overall rejects that, which I know most of the overall populace can't wrap their minds around.
Let me bring an analogy into this: It's like telling someone who's claustrophobic to do solitary confinement. It's downright going to be traumatizing to that person. It's like telling someone with ophidiophobia to do snake-handling. It's like throwing your kid into the lake and telling them to swim without any swimming lessons. Sex is purely traumatizing to me.
Telling me to have sex is simply unnatural for me. It doesn't in any way fit or coalesce into my inner being. It doesn't.
If someone came up to me and was openly trying to weasel their way into my pants, I would overall hightail it out of that place and never to return. Just thinking of that happening makes my heart violently beat. I simply couldn't!
Now you may be asking me: why is sex so scary to you?
Well, it's a little bit difficult to explain, but I will do my best to explain.
Honestly, I’m not even scared of pregnancy (though to be honest, having kids is enough to scare me as I'm childfree).
Honestly, I'm not even scared of STD or STIs, though shouldn't you be afraid of STIs? Honestly.
It's not any of those things.
What scares me most about sex is that sex feels unnatural and foreign to me, yet I’m expected to do naturally like a savant in order to obtain love, validation and companionship.
Sex is the greatest unknown in my entire life. It's all mysterious and foreign to me as anything.
Sex is not something I have any familiarity with. I have no idea what even sex is. I’m essentially clueless. I've never done it in my life. I don't know what a naked person looks like, up close. I don't know how to react to somebody being naked, other than being perplexed and boggled by it. What do you do at that moment? Freak out or relax? I don't know what it feels like to be naked with anyone else.
I've never really done anything closely related to sex in any way, shape, or form. I've never even been around another naked body, like I mentioned before. I've never seen anyone naked before, outside when I was working as a care assistant in a nursing facility.
I don't think I've ever been nude in front of another human being since coming out the womb. I'm simply not comfortable of having someone purview my nakedness. I am not comfortable with that, just as I'm not comfortable with seeing somebody else naked. I would be hoping for it all to be over. My body would be just shivering and shaking from all the fear.
My anxiety levels would reach an apex level from all that.
Then you are asking me to perform and do things involving insertion and thrusting. I'm sorry I could never ever do something like that. That would be way too overwhelming for me, really. The way sex looks, I don't think I would ever be prepared for anything like that.
That looks a little too staggering and paralyzing for me. I cannot ever do that. It's way too scary. I simply am not able to have sex.
I hardly ever go anywhere near people in general. I'm not averse to touch like I'm a refrigerator. I just prefer to have my space and keep a distance. I’m not cold, but I'm not really a big time hugger. When things start getting too physical, I start getting scared & nervous.
So, now you’re adding on that I have to have sex, and I can already feel the cortisol levels skyrocketing.
We all know that if this person is going to have sex, there must be something he or she really likes about it, such as kinks?
I have a long list of certain sex acts that I have basically said that if I were to ever have sex, they would be off the table. I won’t discuss them here, but the list is extensive, for sure. No way would I ever do them.
Throw in that complication with romantic messages saying that if you love your partner, you’d do anything for them (including sex), and it’s a situation worthy of terror for me.
Add both kinks and romantic messages with gender messages saying that sex is what you have to do to be a man, and I’m afraid.
I don't even know if sex would even be good. Now, I have to engage in it. That is a frightening thought beyond belief.
I've never seen or felt a pair of breasts before. I don't know what someone's butt or arms feels like either. I've never seen or felt a naked body before. I’ve only ever kissed one time, and it was so many years ago. I don’t even know how to kiss, honestly. I'm clueless as the day is long and “innocent” as a nun. I'm nowhere near knowledgeable on the subject.
I'm a true virgin in every sense of the word. I don't know what all the body parts on a naked individual feel like, no matter the genitalia. Now, you're asking me to be naked as a jaybird without anything on with someone else who also has nothing on, and from here things don't make any sense to me. I don't know what to do or what's going on. I'm freaked out. None of that makes sense to me. It's all mystifying, leaving me in apprehension. I don't know what's going on.
I’m petrified by it all. I have no clue how to screw. I wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t have a clue as to what I’m supposed to do.
First off, I am not a pornstar. I have no desire to be a pornstar or some stallion in the bedroom. I'm not for that in any single way whatsoever. However, in almost every relationship that you have, you know that almost everybody is looking for exactly that. With mostly everyone, you are having to deal with someone who wants you to insert, thrust, slide, and penetrate him or her. It's their sexual need in some form or fashion to do that, at least that's what hookup culture tells you overall.
According to 50 Shades of Grey, you have a person who is looking to tie me up and have "their way" with me.
According to pornography, you have to deal with all these crazy fantasies and inordinate sex positions full of dirty talk. You have to do all of these insane, crazy sex positions-- doggystyle, cowgirl, missionary, anal sex, oral sex-- none of which I am personally familiar with. I have no knowledge as to how to do any of those positions, whatsoever! I have no desire to have any sort of oral sex or anal sex. I could never possibly think of doing that. It just draws an "Ew" reaction from me.
According to music, you are supposed to do it all night long, and make someone totally orgasm out and scream (Thank you, Lily Allen!). I don’t know how to do that, and the thought of making someone moan and scream freaks me out. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Now with all these expectations, you add into the equation a person who is overall horny themselves, and now what's going to happen is something I don't know the answer to.
It all seems highly chaotic what all could happen now. First off, there's something that I am supposed to do here, even though I don't want to. Second thing, there is a person who is looking forward to me doing this thing that excites his/her life. That's enough of issue. We're not done there, though. We all know that with expectations come desires.
Navigating through sex seems fraught with peril to me.
This is why I don’t desire any courtship of any kind.
No smashing ever! That's been my relationship with sex overall.
How do you say no to sex in a culture that's so gung-ho for it? How do you stand your ground in a "Yes to sex" culture?
The truth is, I still don't know the answer to that.
The allonormative world has spent a lifetime telling me that sex makes us human, and that to be nonsexual is dysfunctional. I get that people do have sexual urges overall, and I am glad people are calling out the culture of shame over all these things. We shouldn't be looking to slut-shame anyone at any turn for any single reason. However, what statements like these don't realize they're doing is that they are overall erasing people like me from having any discussion. It further marginalizes people like me into further alienation.
I'm not saying you shouldn't openly say you like having sex or anything. I'm just saying that whenever the world openly states that sex is the overall greatest thing in the world ever, they overall don't seem to ever think we can offer a contrary. It's like saying that strawberry ice cream is the best ice cream (which it is!), without asking a survey to include vanilla, chocolate, or pistachio. That's the basic best argument I could come up with this. We are all different, even in the asexual community.
Some asexuals are openly okay with having sex. However, some of us are also not okay with it and want nothing to do with it. Both decisions should be respected equally.
I realize that it's not all too healthy to have neuroticism and everything when it comes to sex. I know that is what some of the people who read this might argue. However, in a world that just deifies sex and spotlights it in every single which way, shouldn't someone who is asexual be a bit neurotic in terms of trying to navigate through the seas of love?
I personally see it as a natural reaction overall to the culture at large when viewing it through that lens. I think operating with a sense of caution is a perfectly rational thing to do. With a culture full of people who are looking to have sex all the time, it's in a sense difficult to find people who are not in any way, shape, or form down to do it.
Personally, I don't know how else to possibly make the message clear that I am. not having sex ever! I don't know how else to personally say I don't ever want to have sex in a way that people would understand and respect overall. So, I just avoid the issue by not dating.
That's the main reason why I don't date.
If I don't date, I don't have to be pressured or cornered into having to "Show my love" to someone by sexing someone.
I won't have to deal with a frustrated partner because their not getting their needs met.
I won't have to deal with a partner who is angry at me and starts questioning if I love him or her because we're not having sex.
I won't have to deal with the chance occurrence that they will say "It's okay we don't have sex only to led to trying to screw on the third date."
I won't have to deal with all that. It's just a whole lot of heartache. I'd rather avoid it.
That's just how I do it.
So, let's do a quick recap for the folks at home.
Am I sex repulsed?-- Yes
Am I afraid of sex?-- Yes
Do I avoid any and all romantic relationships?-- Yes
Do I avoid most social gatherings and parties?-- Yes
Am I asexual?-- Yes
Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes!
Yes, I'm sex repulsed.
Yes, I'm afraid of sex.
Yes, I avoid relationships.
Does that make me any less asexual?— No!
I am still asexual.
Asexuality deals with being uninterested in sex with any and all people. That's all. I have no desire for sex all the same, despite me being afraid of sex.
None of the above statements overall could make me any less asexual, just like being sex positive makes you somehow unassailable as an asexual.
All it means is that I'm a different shade of asexual from everyone else.
However, is it even that much different in the overall statistics? I'd argue it's not.
Asexuality survey statistics state that 37% of asexuals are overall afraid of sex. That's nowhere near a small amount of our population. However, when you look overall at the grand scheme of things, you would think we're invisible overall. That's what I've felt overall.
That being said, there are 37%. 37 percent! That is nowhere near a minute percentage. With over 37% of sex-repulsed individuals, it would be a hard argument going to argue that a majority of us asexuals have always been the type to be open and willing to just throw off all their clothes willy-nilly with no abandon.
If you're sex-repulsed like me, wouldn't you overall find the whole premise a bit unsavory and aversive to begin with? If you're like me, then you definitely know there's no way in hell you would warm up to the idea. I'm pretty sure to have sex you have to be excited about doing it, right?
So, I'm pretty sure that a lot of us have never really been warm to the idea, which renders the whole "How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?" argument ridiculous, if you ask me. It's like asking most humans "Have you ever touched a dead body?" "It might be fun! You don't know that!"
So, I'll say this for the entire population of people like me who are openly afraid of sex and are questioning if they are asexual, like I have: you are far from alone and you are far from abnormal. You're not weird, nor are you a freak either.
I know most people will openly state that if you are to be a healthy human being, you have to have a healthy relationship with sex overall. You have to like sex, you have to enjoy sex, you have to be overall enthusiastic about sex (see in point any KY Jelly, Sling TV, Cialis, Viagra, or bikini clad Carl's Jr commercials). Anyone that doesn't or isn't having any sex is seen as problematic. That is how their world works overall. Oh, well.
It doesn't mean you have to, though. You are no more or less human or healthy as a person than someone who has sex every week. Statistics prove that, other asexuals verify that, and hopefully my story alleviates the idea of loneliness. There is never any reason to feel like we are alone, because there are so many of us who feel all the same. We don't fly solo. So, don't let the world make you feel like you are all alone. If I could reach through the computer and give you a virtual hug, I would-- at least I'd do a buddy hug for you! However, there isn't. All I can do is offer encouragement, which I hopefully did with my story.
I hope your day goes well, and that you are confirmed and secure in your asexuality, whether sex-positive, indifferent, or repulsed like me. I hope you never let someone tell you that there must be something broken about you, or that you need to see a therapist ever again. However, if they do, shake them off and leave them forever from there! You are in no way obligated to be where you aren't welcomed, and you are in no way obligated to do stuff you find unpleasant. You are only obligated to living true to you, asexual and all. That's the goal in life for us all, asexual or no.
"I'm asexual, and I'm okay. I'm repulsed, and that's okay! I don't want sex, and that's okay! Because I'm being me and not you!"
That's my go to phrase that I'll use my whole life on this. If that's what you want to say, take it and use it. Either way, we aces are A-ok! We're good. Have a good day.
I'll finish with this: anytime people overall say that everyone needs to be having sex and all that, all it overall does is dismiss people like us, people who aren't alone, people who aren't dysfunctional. If you're the person saying this, please stop! All you are doing is further fringing us all the while, and we want to be happy just like you. So, what's it to you to stomp on our joy? If you wanna hit the sheets, be my guest. You just won't be my guest, and that should be enough for you.
Stay Fierce, Stay Fly.
—Songbird 💜♠️🏹🂡
Writer's note: I wrote this for a sense of personal catharsis and soul-bearing. I was having a really rough night, with this huge weight of anxiety on my chest that wouldn't leave and wouldn't let me sleep. So, I did what I normally do: write. This is what I came up with when it was all said and done. I hope you find some personally touching from all of this, something to take home, even if it is the ramblings of someone who was writing at 7 a.m. with 2 hours of sleep. I'm relieved now. Now I can sleep again. Toodles! Have fun reading, and as always leave me a comment or a message! I'll reply either way!
