I am asexual, and I am afraid of sex.
Being sex-repulsed means not wanting to engage in sex, not being afraid of sex. However, in my case, it's a bit of both.
Content Warning: mentions and depictions of rape and sexual assault
I am writing this on Easter Sunday. Even though I don’t attend a church anymore, I sometimes find inspiration from characters the Bible studying in my youth, such as Elijah, Jeremiah, and John the Baptist.
However, one Bible character that I always find inspiration from is from Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. From the fact he forgave his older brothers for selling him to slavery to dreaming and achieving being in a higher seat, Joseph is arguably my favorite character in the Bible.
However, what makes me resonate with Joseph most of all is his story with Potiphar’s Wife.
if you are unfamiliar with the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife, I'll give you a rundown, according to what the Bible says.
Joseph was described as a good-looking guy, and while he was stuck in Egypt thanks to his brothers selling him away, he began to work for a high-ranking military leader named Potiphar.
Joseph through hard work becomes Potiphar's most trusted man.
Because of his handsome and his growing stature in Egypt, Joseph gained the fancies of the woman of the house: Potiphar's wife. She doesn’t have a name.
Joseph was the sexiest man alive, in Potiphar Wife’s eyes. So, based off that, I’ll just say Joseph was Idris Elba, I guess.
Because of that, Potiphar’s wife calls Joseph in, and being respectful to his owner, Joseph goes up to see her.
At that moment, Potiphar attempts to seduce him.
Potiphar's wife asks him to "go to bed" with her. Joseph is caught in a position of pressure, right in the crucible.
Joseph under the pressure of being propositioned by a married woman turns her down and says no to her proposal of cuckoldry. With courage and bravery, Joseph walks away from her, where perhaps many would oblige her.
I wish I could say that was the end of the story, with both moving on and respect each other's wishes.
Sadly, that would be far from the truth!
The story would only intensify from there, with Potiphar only growing more determined to seduce Joseph.
Potiphar's wife didn't stop making advances. It was described as a "daily" occurrence that she would ask Joseph to have sex with her, and every time Joseph would say no.
Think about that. Joseph had to wake up daily to the same nightmare of Potiphar’s wife stalking him like a lion to a zebra.
Potiphar’s wife was essentially Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. I don’t know if any Rabbits were harmed during this episode, however.
Imagine how Joseph had to feel having to withstand Potiphar’s wife sexual advances on the daily.
Day 1, Day, 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6, Day, 7, Day 8, Day 9, Day 10.
The same thing every single day.
"I want you."
"I've got to have you."
"Come to bed with me!"
"Do me!"
I’d be personally traumatized and petrified if someone kept doing that to me.
The barrage of sexual pressures that Potiphar’s wife inflicted on Joseph would terrify me in the highest sense.
However, Joseph kept saying no to her.
Potiphar's wife could not take "No!" for an answer, though.
Side note: this is why just ignoring harassment is so ridiculous as a concept. Oftentimes, not responding or saying no to someone’s sexual advances only makes them more determined and persistent. Stalkers don’t take no for an answer. They will take the police as an answer, though.
Back to the story.
Potiphar’s wife after being fed up with Joseph turning her down one day pulled the ultimate attack.
She trapped Joseph in her bedchambers, and she was not about to let Joseph go.
She took Joseph and told him "Come to bed with me!", and Joseph basically had to fight to get away. In the process, Joseph lost his robe, and probably fled the scene naked or "scantily clad". It was all he could do to get away.
Joseph fled out the room, and Potiphar's spiteful side came out after being turned down again.
She falsely accused Joseph of raping her, and in the process Joseph was imprisoned for it.
Joseph would later be found vindicated, but it is still a horror story, nonetheless.
I absolutely love Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (thank you, Tim Rice). The scene with Joseph and Potiphar’s wife is a funny and somewhat humorous parody of what happened. However, what I don’t love about that scene is that it in a way downplays the trauma that Joseph had to endure, as a man being sexually hunted and accosted by a woman.
For me, I would only describe this in one effect: nightmare.
That story is a nightmare for me. The constant pressure, the trappings, the cornering by Potiphar, the escape by the skin of the teeth—it's all nightmarish!
My fear levels would be at 1000!
Yet, at the same time, our culture essentially makes light of men being pressured into sex, using male rape is either a comical joke or a man’s greatest fantasy.
For instance, prison rape of men is oftentimes played up for a joke, as if being raped in prison is a righteous punishment, a revenge that criminals ultimately deserve.
The phrase “Don’t drop the soap” is a common joke as a way of making light of the sexual abuse that criminals often suffer while incarcerated.
It’s a double standard of sorts.
Society loves to say that rape is wrong and terrible, an intolerable evil.
Yet, at the same time, if it happens to an inmate, society just bats its eyes and says “that’s what they get”.
While male on male prison rape is seen as comic relief, female on male rape is treated perhaps even worse.
If a guy is raped by a woman, people tend to have two different reactions:
Treat the guy as if he is not a real victim, saying "men can’t be raped” by women
Mock the man for being unable to fight off the female assailant, questioning his masculinity in the process.
Downplay the trauma that happened to the male victim, as if the trauma he underwent was not that bad.
Female on male rape is also used as a comic relief in television and media.
For example, in the television show Ed, Edd, n Eddy, the Kanker Sisters are three girls who constantly torment the Eds by trying to kiss them and entrap them.
In one episode, the Kanker Sisters chase the Eds by boat and once they get the Eds cornered with nowhere to go but overboard, the Kankers corner and essentially attack the Eds and kiss them without any consent.
It was essentially a rape kiss.
Ed, Edd, n Eddy used sexual trauma as a bit of a comic relief and humor. What would be for many the worst moment any person could endure in life was used as a comic relief in a cartoon show, particularly because it was female-on-male rape.
This was constantly a theme in Ed, Edd, n Eddy with the Kanker Sisters.
One episode saw the Kanker Sisters entrap the Eds in the girls’ bathroom and force them into bathroom stalls while school was out. All the while, the Eds and screaming for help, yet no one comes to rescue them. There’s a word that starts with R that describes this.
For some reason, this was acceptable to display. However, I’m sure if the roles were reversed, I’m sure people would condemn this.
In the anime Tenchi Muyo, the title character Tenchi is essentially forced to provide a sperm sample by Washu. Tenchi is entrapped by Washu looking to perform a science experiment, and Tenchi got more than he bargained for.
Washu pulls Tenchi’s underwear down as Tenchi screams and cries for everything to stop, and she proceeds to touch Tenchi’s genitals without his consent.
Washu tries to downplay what transpires by describing herself as an “angel of mercy”.
Apparently, the angel of mercy could not care about Tenchi’s feelings and felt no sympathy for him.
In many cases, society doesn’t see the male rape victim as a victim but as a hero, especially when the assailant is a woman. The pain that male rape victims go through is downplayed as something unserious and otherwise glorious.
In the past, many people said that men couldn’t even be raped, because if a man obtained an erection during the event, it was a sign that the male victim wanted it. This ignores everything we know about physiology and that there are many reasons outside of wanting sex that a male or masculine person obtains erections. Emily Nagoski did a great TED Talk about arousal nonconcordance and how arousal does not equal consent.
The video above is a great watch for anyone, regardless if you are asexual or not.
So often, society just assumes men will be down for any kind of sex that’s presented to them, as if men have no say in terms of consent. The assumption that all men want sex all the time ultimately denies men the right to say no freely without any reprisal or shame.
It also can lead to great sexual abuse, psychological trauma, and dismissal of said sexual trauma.
Take for instance the cases of teacher-student sex scandals in the news during the 2000s, such as Mary Kay Letourneau and Debra Lafave.
Both were older teachers who took sexual advantage of two teenage boys and were charged with a list of crimes.
Both cases made national news, not because of the heinous nature of the crimes they committed, but because the perceived attractiveness of both Letourneau and Lafave made for “Hot for Teacher” fantasies.
Lafave and Letourneau violated two teenage boys, in what they did. However, media figures and shock jocks like Bill Maher tried to deny the two boys were victims in any way.
In the case of Debra Lafave, all anyone was saying about the boy having been raped by his teacher was that the boy "was not really a victim" since "this is every teenage boy’s fantasy".
Comedian Bill Maher stated this in relation to the Debra Lafave case in full quote:
"I think it’s a little offbeat, but you know, I believe in the double standard," Maher told Playboy. "If a 28-year-old male teacher is screwing a 13-year-old girl, that’s a crime. But with Debra Lafave [another teacher who had sex with a student] screwing her 14-year-old boy student, the crime is that we didn’t get it on videotape. Was he being taken advantage of? I wish I had been taken advantage of like that. What a memory she gave him! I would think he’s a champion among his friends. (HollywoodReporter.com)
Everything from rock music to porn depicts the hot for teacher trope as being this greatest thing in the world for men.
The whole “Mrs. Robinson” trope, in which an older woman seduces a coming-of-age man, is depicted and stereotyped as this extravagant and wonderful sexcapade, something that surpasses your wildest imaginations.
However, that is not what ends up happening in reality.
A great depiction of the horrors of teacher-student sex scandals was the FX miniseries A Teacher, which starred Kate Mara as a teacher in Texas named Claire Wilson who admits to raping her high school student named Eric, played by Nick Robinson.
The story goes through the inner workings of Eric’s trauma as a male rape victim who was victimized by his teacher, following Eric a decade after the student-teacher rape affair and the psychological trauma he had to work through. It is a great miniseries.
One of the things that the show constantly uses as a theme is the dichotomy of Eric’s reckless behavior stemming from his trauma to how society sees Eric as some champion for sleeping with the “hot teacher”, with his friends calling him a hero and a legend for it.
While Eric is suicidal from everything that happened (oftentimes blaming himself), all of his friends are treating him like some god.
Society downplays his pain and agony as nothing significant, because he is a male rape victim. They treat Eric as some pimp and player, when in reality, his teacher took advantage of him.
This is what I am afraid of the most.
I have never once asked someone out. I have never been on a date, never been in a relationship. This is by design.
Even before knowing I’m asexual, I would do everything I could to avoid having to go out on a date. I would do everything I could to avoid situations involving sex and romance in any capacity. The reason why I did was because I knew what would be expected of me if I dared to date.
I knew that if I ever got into a relationship of any kind, that I would be expected to “put out” and eventually have sex. Whether that was on the 1st date, 3rd date, 20th date, or at the altar, I knew that sex would be the expected of me at some point in the relationship. So, I always avoided dating, even before discovering I’m aromantic asexual.
My greatest fear is getting into a sexual situation that I am not wanting and am unable to escape from. My greatest fear is having a partner pressure me into sex, essentially issuing an ultimatum of sex or else risk breakup. I’m afraid of facing that dilemma.
I don’t want to have to be the one to have to say no and turn down a partner, disappointing them.
However, I know that if I ever were to date, I know that dilemma would be inevitable. Thus, a big reason why I have never dated.
I know that is weird for someone to say. I know it’s even weirder that I’m a guy saying this.
I realize that by my saying this, I am going against the stereotype that men are supposed to be these sex-crazed horndogs.
Men are so often just stereotyped to be these sex-obsessed libertines who would have sex with anything that moves. There is a stereotype that says that men think about sex every 6 seconds, as if men can’t concentrate on anything but sex.
Korn came out with the hit song A.D.I.D.A.S in 1996. The song wasn’t about about the shoes by Dassler, but it stood for All Day I Dream About Sex. It was essentially a play up to the idea that men only care about having sex, and there is nothing else going on mentally.
I am aware of this stereotype, and it only amplifies my fears.
The stereotype has only been amplified so far that people think a man not being interested in sex is the greatest anomaly of all time. The idea of a man being a virgin into near age 33 is something of a shock to so many. Patriarchal stereotypes love to perpetrate lies that women aren’t the ones interested in sex, which leads to shaming women who do want sex. However, those same stereotypes also shame men who are not interested in sex (like me). I worry that if I ever got involved in a relationship of any capacity that I will be expected to have sex, and it would lead to major relationship conflicts.
Society has the expectation that the man has to be the aggressor sexually, the initiator. A man is not really a man unless he is seriously out to have sex. A man who hasn’t had sex (with a woman in particular) is seen as having not become a man.
One of my favorite television shows was Criminal Minds. One of the episodes that I distinctly recall was during season 8, in an episode called Broken. The story follows a gay man in Texas, who was subjected to conversion therapy by his deeply religious father. One of the parts about the conversion therapy was the man was sent to a prostitute paid for by the church to “corrective rape” the gay away. The man going through one of his psychotic breaks recalls the prostitute in one of the scenes saying she was going to make him into a “real man”.
The guy was downright broken by the rape that he underwent, at the behesting of his deeply religious father and the church’s anti-LGBTQ stance. He ended up losing it and became a killer from it.
Being an asexual man, I see this trope thrown back at me every single time. People don’t even think an asexual man like me is supposed to exist, because men are supposedly “programmed” to want sex. So, when I come out as asexual being a man (and a black man to boot), the assumption that many have is that I must be incredibly defective in some capacity and that I must be fixed because of it.
This is all too common for aces in particular, who are at 10% greater risk for things like conversion therapy.
It’s all bizarre to me because I never wanted to have sex, ever. I don’t recall a time where I ever truly wished to have sex outside societal pressure telling me I have no choice but to have sex.
For me, the only time I could ever imagine myself having sex would be if I were raped. I can’t imagine myself having sex under
A documentary from the 1960s titled Malamondo wanted to highlight some of the sexuality research and history in Europe. One part of the documentary highlighted a clinic in Switzerland that acted as a conversion therapy clinic for asexual people.
The video features people trying to force these asexual men into sex, when as the documentary says “they just want to be left alone”.
So many people think that sex is just something someone has to do in life in order to be considered a “human being”. We in the asexual community call this compulsory sexuality.
People think to asexual people like me that because we don’t experience sexual attraction and in my case don’t wish to ever have sex in any capacity, that we aren’t living the full human experience and must be defective humans in some capacity.
Society has said that for so long that it’s just become accepted custom to assume something must be wrong with us, when in reality, nothing is.
“You have a hormone problem.”
“You must have been abused.”
“You just haven’t had good sex.”
“You haven’t met the right person.”
“You’re just really picky.”
“You must be a serial killer.”
I’ve heard all of these things before. It really sucks.
Subsequently, people say that if you aren’t having sex with your partner, they say you are denying that partner their humanity, placing the asexual partner at an obligation to put out and please their partner. To say you don’t want to have sex is seen as “starving” your partner in some way.
Because of that, I am ultimately left with two choices:
Stay single forever
Close my eyes and think of England
Those are the only 2 options I find myself in.
Due to everything mentioned before and the fact asexual people make up 2-5% of the population, I know that the probability of finding anyone willing to be in a relationship sans sex would be near impossible.
The likelihood of ever meeting someone who is not looking to have sex seems downright impossible, honestly. It is harder than a needle in a haystack.
That is why I am afraid of sex. It’s not just my lack of experience with sex (I’m a novice, after all). It’s that I’m afraid that I would never be able to find a relationship unless I put out and cave to peer pressure. When you add on the fact that I am a man and that I am not this “supposed” hypersexual roué that men are caricatured to be, I’m afraid that no one will ever be with me because I am not the type of man society says I have to be in order to find love.
I’m afraid because I know the reality of finding a relationship without capitulation is next to impossible. I’m afraid because I know that the only way someone will want to be with me is if I have sex, my volition be damned!
I can sympathize with what Joseph, The Eds from Ed, Edd, n Eddy, Tenchi Muyo, the asexual guys in the Malamondo documentary, and all my other examples went through:
Feeling like you’re being pressured into sex even if you are not ready
Being stereotyped as sex-obsessed solely due to your gender
The terrorizing fear of being raped and feeling like no one would care
The dismissal of your sexual trauma due to being a guy
Being told that something is wrong with you for not wanting to do it.
I can sympathize because I go through the same thing in our sex-obsessed society.
I’m asexual, and I’m afraid of sex. I’m not afraid to admit it, either.